i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
