Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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