omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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