Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
