My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
