I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I need to sanitize my soul.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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