i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
