Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
