It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
