Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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