well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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