Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My feet surprised me
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