Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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