I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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