I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
how does that bad decision feel?
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