how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
