I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
