nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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