My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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