so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
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Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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