Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
