I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
