just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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