there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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