Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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