Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
