You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
