have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
