I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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