you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
