he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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