i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
