I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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