I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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