I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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