I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
