Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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