It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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