I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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