It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Randomize
