Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
