Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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