Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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