I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
