Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
