dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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