My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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