I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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