I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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