You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
