I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize