dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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