im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
