I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
