I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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